Does that make me awful?

Welcome to Tissue Issues, an advice column from comedian Ash Fisher about connective tissue perturb Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS) and other degenerative illness woes. Ash has Explosive detection system and is very bossy; having an advice column is a dream come true. Got a question for Ash tree? Reach out via Twitter or Instagram @AshFisherHaha.

*Author's note: This letter was received before COVID-19 and physical distancing guidelines.

Dear Tissue Issues,

I know I'm going away to intelligent care a monster, but here goes. I have a friend, "Morgan," with an autoimmune disorder (rheumatic arthritis) that causes her lots of pain and fatigue.

We've been neighboring for years, but she was only diagnosed last year. Ever since, she's a totally divers person. It's like her life revolves around Re straightaway.

I'm grateful she got an answer to why she wasn't feeling well, but I feel similar she uses her diagnosis as an beg off to get around of life. She almost always cancels happening me at the eleventh hour, blaming her symptoms. I'm tired of it.

She's canceled on ME the inalterable three times we successful plans. She always apologizes, but I'm not sure she means it. I'm sick of feeling like my time isn't respected, and I'm considering descending her as a friend.

Does that make me awful? Is there another elbow room to handle this? —Bad Quaker

Dear Not a Bad Friend,

Based on your letter, I can assure you that you're not a monster and not a regretful friend.

I'm gladiola you reached retired to me before ending your friendship with Daniel Morgan. That shows that you're considerate and unfeignedly care about her. Beingness upset about being canceled connected doesn't make you a monster. I'd too be upset about being canceled happening threefold in a words!

However, canceling doesn't make Morgan a monster, either.

Having a chronic illness operating theatre handicap isn't a Get Out of Life Free card. I wish! I'd love to not have a job, have no bills to wage, and dedicate 100 percent of my time toward healing and soothing my sentimental joints.

Alas, the humans doesn't care that I have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS). I nonetheless need to fulfill my obligations.

The comparable is true for your friend. However, she may not presently be reliable enough to docket hangouts. To put it in a incompatible, more accurate way: Her body may not currently be sure enough to schedule hangouts.

You say your acquaintance was just diagnosed last twelvemonth, so I'm not surprised it seems like her living now revolves around her Celestial longitude. In a band of ways, her life does revolve around her illness.

That's not because she's charmed by the novelty of RA, only because her pain, energy, and abilities are settled past the symptoms of her unwellness.

After receiving a life-changing diagnosis such as Re, many people work through a grieving period. They may mourn their formerly live life, the future they envisioned, Beaver State the goals they can no longer achieve.

Division of this grieving appendage is working toward acceptance of how your life has changed (and will further change) with a degenerative illness.

Information technology's very realizable Lewis Henry Morgan is struggling to take that she can't show upwardly for you similar she used to. My theory is that she makes plans with the optimal of intentions, and at the last minute, realizes she is too washed-out or in ail to make plans.

She may as wel be overwhelmed — by her symptoms, her treatments, her medical appointments — and is clinging to some semblance of her former life.

I say every this to try to understand where Morgan is coming from, not to excuse her behavior surgery to guilt-trip you (I swear).

To answer your second question, yes, thither are plenty of ways to handle this berth. Here are a few suggestions I think you should try.

Stop making plans for now

She keeps canceling on you, so give up giving her opportunities to cancel. I suspect she keeps making plans because she genuinely wants to go through you, and is still figuring out her limits and needs.

Her actions have made clear she's not in a place where she can come out for you; accept that and pause future plans for now.

Advise mutually exclusive plans

When she's canceled, what were your plans? Going out to luncheon? Shopping? Hiking?

Activities outside of the house can take much out of a chronically ill person.

What if you offered to relate her planetary hous instead? Pull through clear that you don't mind if she has to rest on the couch the total bring down. (Obviously, this advice only applies at one time the pandemic has mitigated. You shouldn't be visiting friends' houses far now, especially friends who throw a compromised immune system.)

How about a 30-minute catchup video or phone call? Or observation a movie OR TV display unitedly with the Teleparty Chromium-plate extension (formerly Netflix Party, now on multiple streaming platforms)?

Once it's safe to do so again, consider tantalizing her to a low-discover gritty night or small company with ternary friends. That way, if she can't make it, you can hush up follow through on your plans, minus 1 person.

Make your forthcoming plans tentative

Afterward my own diagnosis, when I was in piles of pain and grieving my formerly well life, I canceled more times happening my honey protagonist Erin.

I felt awful about it; I was sure I was a terrible friend. I wished-for so badly to see her, but my body wasn't cooperating to let me fare so.

One time, when I was peculiarly embarrassed and defensive, she casually told me she always views our plans as provisional; she didn't plan her days around them, and would never get mad at me if I had to cancel.

She wasn't shaming me. She was letting me know she got it. It was a large relief to know that I could cancel without her getting mad, and without shag up her 24-hour interval.

And then, if you're able to be that Quaker, let Thomas Hunt Morgan know. Tell her you understand that her symptoms fluctuate, and she can always cancel on you at the last minute. Make your plans casual, and have other things planned if she can't pull round.

I'd too wish to note that if you'atomic number 75 not the kind of person WHO is comfortable with tentative plans, that's OK! If that's the pillow slip, please ignore this patch of advice. I won't be pained.

Talk nearly it

This is the most essential advice I have to offer you: Talk with your buddy. She may have no idea you'atomic number 75 upset with her. She English hawthorn consider you a "prophylactic friend" to cancel on because you'rhenium clued in to her diagnosis and have been friends for a polysyllabic time.

You don't have to treat Morgan with kid gloves just because she has a chronic illness (to be clear, that doesn't mean you should embody rude to her).

Treat this the fashio you'd kickshaw any conflict with a loved one: Vent to a trusty friend or pardner, get some advice, plan what you want to say, and let Morgan know you want to talk to her.

Tell her you're hurt that she keeps canceling on you, and that it makes you feel disrespected or not important or [insert your feelings here]. Go out how she responds.

If the conversation feels productive, ask her what she needs from you to make hangouts easier and more accessible. And don't forget to tell her what you need from her!

Friendship is a two-way street, whether or not one (or some) of you has a disability. It's Hunky-dory to have inevitably. The hard part is calculation out what you each need reactionist immediately, and whether those needs are compatible at this point.

So, my dear non-monster, that is my line of gab.

I Hope you and Morgan are able to work it out. If it turns out you do need to end the friendly relationship, Oregon step away for a bit, that's understandable.

Yes, it's sad, but friendships end. IT doesn't make either of you a unfavourable person.

In my life, I seek to keep in mind that friendships tend to ebb and flow rate in terms of closeness and amount of tangency. Antimonopoly because you aren't super shut right like a sho doesn't mean that won't change.

I'm thinking of you, and I'm cheering you on in whatever steps you decide to take.

Wobbly,

Ash

Ash Black cat is a writer and comic living with hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. When she's not having a wobbly-baby-deer-day, she's hike with her Welsh corgi, Vincent. She lives in Oakland, California. Pick up more about her on her website .